Homeless and the couches.

So My sister Emily has this friend called Tiauna. Tiauna baught this Ugly-A trenchcoat from Savers. Okay, it's not inherently ugly, but... you know.
Emily Borrowed said trenchcoat and wore it on a walk she took. Her hair was messy, as is the norm. see image.


So: she was wearing that trenchcoat there, and had her hair all crazy-go nuts (not un-like above image) and decided to take a walk. Good for her, you know, exercise and all that. So while she was on her walk, she saw a cute little dandelion. A big one, actually . And Emily, being the Nature-Enthusiast she is, she plucked this large sized dandelion and put it behind her ear then continued walking. When Emily was on her way back home, she found a couple of discarded plastic grocery bags. And Emily, being the Upright-Citizen she is, picked up the two bags and continued on her way. a few more steps led her to some discarded trash on the ground, and so Emily just bend over, picked it up and put it in her plastic bags. This led her to the decision that while she was walking home, she would collect trash along the way. isn't that good of her? By this point, that dandelion in her hair had gone all limp, and it was barely stating in her ear. it looked pathetic. So Emily, wearing an ugly orange trenchcoat, withe her hair all messy, with a limp dandelion in her hair, carrying trash bags and bending over to pick up anonymous trash, is walking home.
minutes later a bicyclist rose past her, slowed, turned around, and then stopped next to her. He said "Excuse me... do you need recycing?"

And Emily, being the honest-clueless person she is, thought the man was merely making conversation, albeit strange conversation, replied "No, I'm just picking up trash"

The man went on to say: " Oh... do you live very far from here?"

Emily, still not getting it replied: "oh, yeah, i just live up the road a little ways, you know..."

The man asked finally: "oh... um, do you need a Meal?"

And at this point, she finally got it: "OH! oh, no no no no no! I... No, I have a Home."

at which point the biker replied: "okay, well, you never can be sure these days" and rode off.

And this si the story of how someone thought my sister was Homeless.

THE NEXY PART:

The same day, some people from my neighborhood had some old couches to give away. And the woman was looking through her phone for people who might want these old couches. She said "I was looking through my phone wondering who on earth could take these things, and then I thought Betsy!" Betsy is my mom. Our wole family is known for taking everyone elses garbage, as long as it's free. And this isn't limited to merely people old and used couches, chairs, books, food-storage, office supplies, plastic shelves, old buckets, clothing, and things like that, but also peoples old rocks and peoples animals. So of course, we are the perfect choice to dunp these couches on. Now, I'll admit, I like the couches, and when they are in our house, they make our previous used love-seat and used arm-chair look pathetic. They also add a "space" to our living room that wasn't there before. So it actually was a very nice thing. These couches are also hide-a-beds. You know, those beds that fold into the couch. But our living room is too smal to open them in.
So, my mom and sisters were up in Salt Lake at the Young Womens General Broadcast, and left myself and my father to unload these couches into our house. It wasn't too big a deal, really. I mean, my dad does have a bad back, but he took it like a man. So, after a few half-hours, we had the couches un-loaded from the van and loaded into our house! like I said, they loked nice, and while we were loading them in, I kept thinking to myself "man, I can't wait to sleep on this!" yeah, I know. I have a bad... but it's downstairs and cold. whatever.
So a few hours later my family returns from Salt Lake. My two little sisters walk in and get excited about the couches, saying they looked great, and then immediately went into how they were so much bigger than the previous couch and how they would fit so much better on this couch when they were sleeping than they would on the previous couch. The girls had no idea these couches were also Hide-A-Beds. They merely thought they were normal couches. (Yeah, we sleep on our couches.) This got me worried because I wanted to sleep on the couches, not them. And I knew they were thinking the same thing. (Before these couches, we had to sleep on my dad's La-Z-boy that we bought NEW because his back hurts alot. don't ask me to explain that please. we just don't like beds, apparently.) it was a race to the couches. prime sleeping real estate. Ironic.
Now, Emily, the sister from the Aforementioned homeless experience has 3 beds currently, not including the 2 couches. One is in "her room" which is completely littered with trash, paper, fabric, plastic, miscelaneous toys, chocolate boxes, vaccuum cleaners, mirrors, lamps, and everyting else. The second bed she has is in "Elise's room" which is kind-of un usuable because the room has some walls knocked out, and smells of must. But it is infinitely cleaner than her current room. The third bed she has in in "Erynn's room"which Erynn also sleeps and lives in, and this room is littered with clothes and dolls. But they have been making due, because of the great desire Emily has not to clean either of her rooms for some reason. So at night they cuddle together in a single bed.
That night I went to Erika's house. I got back after night time and I assumed the girls would be asleep. I walked in, and Sure enough, there they were! Asleep on the couches! I have rarely had that much rage flow through my body. I wanted to sleep there! they each had at least one bed they could be sleeping in (of course, so do I...) but instead they chose the couches. So, to get back at them, i took all of the piles and piles of clothes off of the bed in "Erynn's room" where they usually sleep and decided to sleep there. I quickly realized there was no pillow there. I went on a hunt and discovered each of my sisters was using a pillow from that bed. I thought to my self "so they had to concsiouslty make a decision to sleep on the couch. they had to walk into their room, and take the pillow off of the BED that they should be sleeiping on, and take it to the couch" well, I took one of the pillows from underneath a sister and replaced it with a couch-cushion pillow and thought very distinctly "well, you sleep on the couch, you can use the couch's pillows too!" then I defiantly went and slept in their bed. And i woke up extremely comfortably. I'm sure their necks hurt from sleeping on that dumb old couch anyway.
This is the part where you don't bother to ask me why I didn't just sleep in my perfectly good bed downstairs, okay?

Pepsi Knows Their Logos Look Like Fat People.

So I was STUMBLING UPON things the other day, and I stumbled upon this:

It says "this is what I think if whenever I see the new Pepsi ads. :)"

It's from a website called... well I don't know where it originated form. I'll say it's from a site called Google.com. and I laughed at it. There was a response to it in the form of this following image:


I don't like this second image nearly as much. I think it is silly and stupid and a bit more crass and un-intelligent than the first one, but it gets the message across. And the message is: "I think Pepsi knows that their logos look like fat people!"

Well Ethan, how on earth could you claim such an un-founded thing? The answer is that it is not unfounded. See:
Now, just ignore the Mountain Dew for now, okay, it' snot important for this discussion. But if you look, you see that the regular Pepsi logo looks like the aforepictured fat person. But the Diet Pepsi has a much smaller white area, or if we refer to the previous picture, a much smaller 'tummy.' If we made a picture of the Diet Pepsi logo, the person would not be as fat! Because it's DIET! now, on the same vein, the Pepsi Max Logo would be much much fatter than even the regular Pepsi would be. He would be the MAXimum amount of fat... he would also have black trousers.

See, and you guys wondered how I justified my claims... sheesh. Pepsi totally knew their logos looked like fat people.

Q.E.D
(quod erat demonstrandum)
(which was to be demonstrated)

The ZOO: In Pictures

Now, first off, I get a lot of guff for my irregular postings. I know that. Sometimes I post a lot in one week, other times I go a month with nothing. Recently, I've been in a writing mood, and since my notebook's blank page stares at me and embarrasses me, I choose the keyboard and internet as my medium. That being said:

The ZOO! On Saturday, Angie, Erika, Hannah and Myself went to the Hogle Zoo. (David, Angie's Husband is in San Fransisco for a few days, thats why he wasn't here. thats also why I'm Posting my pictures. 'Cause if he were there, I'd probably be put to shame. As it is...I'm posting mine.) And we had a good time. We packed a lunch of bagels and granola bars and oranges and grapes and... also... Capri-Sun's. We snuck them in... although we may have been allowed to take them in, I'm not sure. I like to think we snuck them. The Great Apes weren't out though... a shame. The female gorilla has cancer and the male won't leave her side, so when they took her out to do medicine on her, the male came too. So no gorillas, and only one Orangutan... sheesh.

Here are some pictures of the time we had at the Zoo:

A Smattering. (or How Adam Richman Stole My Heart and Postmodernism will Never Die)

Initially, I was going to make my next post (this one) my months-in-the-making Look-Alike Post (I have 19 couples of people, most with 2 pictures each) But then I realized it was a lot of work and i also realized that the guy who won The Next Iron Chef America ( MICHAEL SYMON) and HOWIE MANDEL looked alike, so I needed to find pictures of them... (I posted links above...look at them yourself. I'll post them all later)

So, then, after I decided to put off the labor intensive Look Alike Blog, I decided I would write a blog about how Adam Richman (right) host of Man v. Food on the Travel Channel has the best job in the whole wide world and how I want to be him when I grow up.
Really. He has the best job in the world. Bar none. You know, alot of people say firemen have noble jobs, or policemen have noble jobs... No. Adam Richaman has the most noble job I know of. He eats huge foods on T.V. He will sacrifice his dignity and his comfort merely for his love of food. Some background on this noblest of men: He got a undergrad degree in International Studies, and during his travels, he kept a 'food-journal' and logged every time he ate anywhere. He still keeps it to this day. After a while, he decided he just wanted to get up and get a masters degree from the Yale School of Drama, one of the most highly acclaimed drama schools in the country. So, he did that. God bless him! He has a show called Man v. Food, as I said before, in which he travels around the country and eats stuff! Each place he goes to centers around an EATING CHALLENGE. but before the main challenge (which has ranges from a 7 1/2 lb. breakfast burrito to an enourmous slice of pizza to extremely hot wings to 'bicycle seat sized" steak, and everything in between) He goes to local eateries of the surrounding area and eats the best foods every. he finds the most delicious, greasy, pig-outy foods and eats them for us, on T.V. so he can watch it. He gets so messy and sweaty whenever he eats, it's wonderful. He says at the beginning of every episode that he is "not a competitive eater, just a man who loves food" Amen, Adam. And it shows. Here are a few of the things he has eaten, or attempted to eat on his show.
This is a burger called 'Sasquatch' that Adam was not able to finish. The buns alone weight one pound each. It is an Eight pound Hamburger, plus all the fixins'
This Giant burrito, called the 'Burritozilla' was not even a Challenge! he just got it for fun... but he only had one bite. the crowd boo-ed him, but then a world-champion competitive eater happened to be in the house, (he's called JOEY CHESNUT) and he ate this 17 1/2 inch breakfast burrito in 3.2 minutes. WOW. Adam said, in regard to Joey: “This is huge. This is like, okay, I’m a baseball player, and randomly Babe Ruth happens to walk in while I’m eating a big burrito” And then later, looking back on the experience in his Vlog: "...a 17 inch burritozilla, which he ate in 3 minutes and 15 seconds in front of me, like a warrior. I am a nobody”the VIDEO IS HERE


“Compare the size of the beautiful child to the gigantic slice of pizza”


“you can’t take small bites with a sandwich the size of a Winnebago.” This is a typical sandwich from Primanti's. Throughout the series, you see the crew and Adam wearing shirts they got from there.

This is Adam, losing a challenge to 16 milkshakes. Food won... but in honesty, I think we all won.

Yes... those are gas masks in a kitchen. And Adam ate it. New York has the worlds spiciest curry.

these were 12 of the spiciest wings in the world. Adam had to eat them and then lick all the sauce off his fingers and then sit still with no drink of napkin for 5 minutes in order to win... he did it. The interview afterward will be posted as well... my dad pointed out that he does much better with spicy challenges than with large quantities.

This wasn't even a challenge! it was just breakfast... Seriously though, whenever I order food at a restaurant, and it comes, and it's not as big as this picture, a little part of my heart dies... Man I want his job!

That entire thing becomes a pizza... and he eats it!

Holy Moses... that is a doughnut that... I want to marry that doughnut. Seriously... I hear it's legal in Massachusetts

This is the 7 1/2 lb breakfast burrito that bested Adam, you can see the high-speed video below.


High-speed Burrito-eating. Yes, that ump-teen pound pile of food is a breakfast burrito.


Adam Fields questions after he ate the hottest wings on the planet (the aforementioned 12 wings, with a 5 minute "after-burn" in which he could not eat, drink or touch anything. Wow.


Now today, I want to ask a question, nay I wish to foster a discussion. I stumbled upon a handout that MR. BAUER gave me about three years ago. It was on Postmodernism. Re-reading it, it kind of scared me.

Postmodernism respects all things equally, Shakespeare is on par with family guy. It has no 'Canon.' And there is no one single 'norm' (i.e. white, male, straight, protestant, etc) and everything else outside is different or wrong (i.e. black, women, gays, etc.) In postmodernism, every variable is in itself it's own, correct norm. So White is just as respected as black, women as men as gay as straight as Jew as christian as T.V. as Theatre as Nascar as comic books as Prairie Home Companion as Rap, etc. (this is just one of many, many elements of Postmodernism, but now you unawares folks are a bit more in the picture, and you in-the-know folks can have your minds refreshed.)

I wrote Mr. Bauer a message that contained the following:

There was a quote on the handout that said:
" If postmodernism is the condition of contemporary culture, then all culture in our time is by definition postmodern. We cannot single out or fix a style and presume that it is distinctively "postmodernism." All we can do is observe the particular forms and relations that postmodernism takes in any particular cultural phenomenon"

then in response, we cannot single out or fix a style and presume it is definitively NOT Postmodernism... So did we kind of dig ourselves into a hole here with this whole Postmodernism thing? will there ever be anything after Postmodernism? as the handout also said " Postmodernism is a process still underway" and so... is it so adaptive that nothing can break out of it?

I mean, there are insanely distinct and different theatre styles, like Moises Kaufman's Tectonic theater project, Robert Wilson, and Richard Foreman, all of whom are extremely distinct in their styles, yet all are lumped under postmodern, simply because of when they happen to be alive?

If someone wrote a manifesto saying "We are officially no longer postmodern, we are instead ___" would they still be considered Postmodern because of how adaptive Postmodernism is, and how Un-defined they are? (Postmodernism has no manifesto, neither a defined beginning or rules for being such. There are simply guidelines and general rules to look for) I mean, people have done that, right? Neo-futurists? I think? and they are Neo-futurists, They wrote a manifesto, but they are still postmodern... New Ism's are born because there is a need for change... well lots of people have seen the need for change and have made that change (Moises Kaufman, for example) and yet, since Postmodernism is so 'great' and adaptive, they can't get away.

Does this make sense?

I guess i'm just wondering your all your take on this and also asking if there will ever be a time when there is no longer a postmodernism, or if it will just be the elastic "ism" that will adapt to and incorporate everything...

Will Postmodernism Ever Die?

I really do want to know what all you think about this. please leave a comment, lets discuss.

On Wednesday, March something I got my LDS Mission call. I'm gonna be spending 2 years of my life in Fresno, California, starting June 10. So that's another reason to be excited in my life. Anyway, thanks, you steady readership, you are appreciated! In fact, anyone that comments on this, I will personally make a cupcake for. The thing is, I have to actually see you regularly in order to give you said cupcake. So if you live far away, or irregularly see me, either donate your cupcake to charity, or ask me for an e-card, or something. Thanks, and see you all.

Why Don't We Just Have One Giant Wedding At Get It Over With? (or I Have Potty Stomach)

First of all, I want you to know that I am Ebineezer Scrooge, The Grinch, and Mark David Chapman all rolled into one. That being said, Here is my post:

So EVERYONE, and I mean Everyone, is getting married or is now already married. Seriously. It's like a disease around here, but instead of killing people and making them die horrible, long, drawn out, agonizing deaths, it makes people happy and love each other hold each others hands and rub noses together and...get annoying-er. Now, that's not to say everyone who gets married is annoying. In fact, in reality, people are probably just as nice, if not nicer after they get married. It's just pissing me off that everyone is doing Right Now. Like, all these arbitrary Facebook groups for weddings and people all smiley and happy together, it makes me sick. And everyone that isn't getting married right now is already married. And most of them graduated High school the same time as me... which really wasn't long ago, I promise.

Elise is startled that people she went to High School with are getting married... Um, Elise, quick two things. first: Your 24, and second: You're Married. But your also cool.

Jaclyn Hales is getting married to David Lassater, and that is great, and I actually am genuinely happy for them. I really like both of them and think they'll be really great. As for everybody else... I think it goes back to that disease analogy, okay not really. But it seems like people around here don't need to actually "date" before they get "engaged." anymore. These words have been re-defined. "Dating" now means "the period of time between the Friday that you meet eachother and the Tuesday you get 'engaged' on" and "Engaged" now means "we met last friday and want to get married while we still like eachother"... Sheesh. I'm sick!

I guess the other thing is that I am leaving for two years, so all these happy, smiley, Facebook groupey people will be going about their happy, smiley, married lives and I won't get to be one of them for a long time... not that there is anything wrong with that. I mean, i don't plan on getting married for quite a while, it's just that... well, these people are my age. And that is ridiculous.

Anyway, don't mean to hate you Married folks, not at all... I'm just sick of this sudden urge to get married...At 19! And especially I'm sick at how happy eveyone is at it...I look at pictures of the engaged folks and i can just see the happiness eminating from their faces. Their eyes so honestly happy, their smiles so wide, and they look like nothing in the world could ever make them un happy, and like anything in the world that ever has, doesn't matter. They have forgotten everyone else they have ever met and are happy to disregard their vague future plans of anyone they will meet, because they are so incredibly and radiantly happy... It makes me sick. I guess i'm a curmudgeon. Sue me!

...plus! they post all these cute little things to eachother on their respective Facebook walls prefessing their love, or even worse, something less extravogant and more down to earth, like "I really wish you were on facebook right now because i ADORE you and miss you..." Honesty... where has it ever gotten anyone. You don't need to profess your undying like to eachother on eachtohers walls. Just like how in the Victorian Era you didn't have to secretly write love notes to eachother and seal them with a signature, special, secret wax seal... But everyone did anyway because it is romantic and lovely and makes the other person's heart go into their throat because they love them so much and reading that little message made them have potty stomach, in a good way. I'm just sick. I have Potty Stomach...

But in honesty, I'm glad people are getting married and being happy... sometimes it's just a bit much, Buut that time usually happens at 2:00 in the morning after a night of hard... Pepsi drinking. So Go On, get married, be happy, post pictures, be adorable and wonderful and radiant and smile for six days straight and get distracted in the middle of conversations and all that wonderful stuff engaged and newlywed people do... it's beautiful and I love it, I really do... just don't do it in front of me at 2:00 in the morning right before I leave for 2 years.

Thanks.

Putting off writing.

Now, ironically, I'm writing in order to avoid writing. But I have to write a 80-100 page stage play by Monday, I need 75 pages by Friday, and I'm on page 43 today (Wednesday). I should be writing that right now, but I just don't want to. Earlier today, at Barnes and Noble I sat for an hour and fifteen minutes listening to Espers and I wrote thirteen or fourteen pages. Thats something. But, now I need to get back on and write again, and I'll be fuzzled, I just don't want to.. Shucks. Today I auditioned for SAST, Short attention Span Theatre (er) with a monologue from The Pillowman. I memorized it in about ten minutes earlier today. I think I did pretty well at the auditions, I find out tomorrow if I get called back... Hmmm. I wonder if I will (cue dream music and clouds now) (CUT TO: me... dancing?) okay, nevermind, that only worked in my head for a split second, then I realized it was only a half formed idea. Speaking of half- formed ideas, I should tell you guys about this play I'm supposed to be writing for class. Jeez.