Thursday, February 26, 2009

New Post

So Monday, I started writing a post that detailed the events of The 81st Oscars. Blueh. Boring. I never finished. Basically I talked about how sexy the host Hugh Jackman was, a posted a link to THIS PICTURE and how he was Australian and how the other sexy Australian actor Russel Crowe apparently wasn't sexy anymore. Then I posted a link to THIS PICTURE in regard to russel crowe. It was supposed to be funny. it wasn't. Then i went on very long-windedly about the oscar nominees and winners and some such. basically the highlights of that were... um... I talked about how Penelope Cruz wasn't written off of 30 rock before her Oscar Nomination, which is good because Amy Adams was written off The Office a week before her Oscar Nomination last year and the The Office folks felt like sheep. SO: there is a huge blog condensed and highlighted in a paragraph. if anyone who didn't see the Oscars actually cares about the Oscars, there is infinitely better coverage ANYWHERE ELSE online. So go anywhere else.

The much more elegant, enlightened, thoughtful topic I want to talk about now is how weird I feel in the handicapped Bathroom stall. I went in one of those today, that what got me thinking. Every time I use one of them, I always wonder "what if a handicapped man actually needed to use the restroom while I was in it? He would think I was Politically incorrect. Or that I had no respect for his situation" He'd get pissed. When I'm in the stall, enjoyaing all the luxuries and open space, I always think about what i would say if I walked out of the stall and there was a man in a wheelchair just sitting and waiting, staring up at me with one of those faces. You know the ones! I also always imagined him tapping his foot, but that's probably unrealistic. I also always thingk he's gonna like, punch me, or beat me up, or axe me. But really, I obsess over it the whole time. It almost makes me want to use a differnt stall, and on occasion it has, but for the most part, if i see an open, large, luxurious, handicapped stall, I use it. With the other stalls, I feel so cramped (no pun intended) and also my knees hit both walls. I also feel like if there si some sort of disaster or some deranged post office worker comes with a gun, I will have a much lower chance of escaping if I'm in a cramped stall. I don't know why, but you can't honestly tell me you've never thought the same thing.
But anyway, I get out of the stall and the upset handicapped man is staring at me, tapping his foot or some such, and he says "So..." and I say " um, I'm sorry, I never thought I would actually meet you" and then he says "why not? there are plenty of us around"
ME: No! thats not it, I just...
HIM: you think they make those stall just so people like you can use them without hitting both your knees on the walls?
ME: no, sir, i just-
HIM: or maybe you think that we can fit just fine in the other stalls, hmm?
ME: well, no.. it's just, all the other stalls were full...

This would probably be my first excuse. But in actuality, it's a weak one, because odds are, the stalls weren't all full, and odds are he came in and saw that and knew full well they weren't full. And odds are that if I start off telling a lie, then he will never trust me.

HIM: No they weren't full. I came in just now and saw you shut the door-
ME: well, not full per-sey, but I feel weird sitting in a stall next to someone...
HIM: There was no-one else in here.

This would also probably be true because I spend most of my time in obscure parts of the
Gunther Trades building at night during rehearsals, so there probably would be no-one else there... including that stupid handicapped man (not stupid because he's handicapped, but just.. you know!)

ME: well, I mean, it's just really roomy in there, you know?
HIM: No, I don't, I spend all the extra room in there getting out of my wheelchair *cough* and taking off my leg braces *wheeze* and then remembering my dead puppy
ME:...oh, oops.
HIM: oops won't cut it buddy, I'm gonna axe you so good.
ME: oh... ummm... *runs away*

At this point I realize I can just run away and he can't catch me because he is in a wheelchair and he needs to go to the bathroom.


Erika said...

Hahahaha! I'm pretty sure every human being has thought of that. Lovely post.

Hannah said...

I absolutely love reading your blog. It's the best.

I've actually thought the same sorts of things...regarding the handicapped stalls. I don't usually think out a long-winded script that goes with it, but I have always wondered what I would do if a handicapped person needed the stall. It would be awkward, and I would feel foolish.

Also, Hugh Jackman's head is too small for his huge body, and Russel Crowe has really let go, hasn't he?