Sunday, July 6, 2008

Salt Lake is So Hip That They Don't Need to Prove It to Anyone. (or Reputations That Are Far From The Truth)

Salt Lake. 2008. Today, July 6. I went to Salt Lake to pick up Hannah from the airport, back from her trip to Wisconsin. (Milwaukee, not Madison, alas.) And now, readership, I am here to nobly dispel many local Salt Lake area Myths, and I shall do so in bullet point form I think, because that is the most organized way to dispel myths, I've heard. Although, maybe it was through paragraph-less prose, I can't really remember. But for ease of the eye, I'll bullet-point this sucker. (And these observations and opinions are based on several excursions to the SLC, not just the one today. Don't worry, I'm a scientist, )

--Salt Lake is More Hip Than Provo (I use provo because thats where I live, and thats where I know about) : Well, yes and no. Yes in the sense that there is a much better theatre scene in SLC. Much better. Of course, almost anything is better than Center Street Musical Theater and the Art City Playhouse in Springville. I say almost anything because I think I would rather sit through a Center Street performance than join the Army or cut off any of my nipples or toes. But other than that... So in that sense SLC is more hip. And musically they boast superiority as well. That is Debatable. Not that I am a huge supporter of the Provo indie-music scene, but I am a huge aware-er of all that goes on in said scene. In the past few years there has been an enormous Boom, or Bang, or Smash, or any other exciting onomatopoeia you care to put in there, in the amount, the quality, and the awareness of the Provo Music scene. And Provo doesn't even have it's own Magazine, like City Weekly, to brag about itself in. But I guess that is one of the main things that makes Salt Lake so much hipper and cooler than us, is they have a magazine. But no amount of magazines and flattering articles can change the fact that everything closes at seven on a Saturday night and there are no public restrooms.

--Salt Lake Has a Happenin' Night Life: FALSE. A few weeks ago, i went up to the SLC with Erika to go see SLAM by Plan B Theatre Company (who I personally think are just a little too into shock value and being different and anti-Center-Street's bubblegum and OKLAHOMA! style performance. But SLAM is a good idea) And it started at 7. we got there early so we could eat at One World Everybody Eats. (it' this cafe where... well read this article, please? it's a wonderful place.) so we ate there and still had time before the show. so we decided to wander around a down-town-ish area. there were a bunch of really neat shops and it was a Saturday, and it was seven. we were sure we could get in to see a few. NO! not a single shop we went to was open. There were three bars open, the Marriott hotel and some weird grimy grocery store. That was all on seven blocks. It was Seven o'clock on a Saturday night, in a city, and I was sure people would want to be out and about, you know, shopping. No. Every Single boutique, tattoo parlor, book store, organic food and herb shop, sandwich place, delicatessen, antique store, flower shop and hole-in-the-wall diner was Closed. Every Single One. And at this point, I really really needed to use the restroom, real bad. On the closed shops, there were signs that said "no public restroom" but that wasn't a big deal because they were ALL CLOSED. Every shop for four and a half blocks. And then for three blocks after that was closed. So, the one store that was open on the fourth block was the aforementioned grimy, Indian owned grocery store. They didn't have a restroom either. The bars had signs that said "No Public Restrooms" and the one dance club we passed had the same sign. in Seven and a half blocks, both sides, there was not a single shop that wasn't a bar open, and NONE that had public restrooms. And the reason we only went the seven blocks is because there were "giant" buildings on either side of the blocks. SO anyhow, I ended up walking confidently into the Marriott Hotel and Suites and used their public restroom. But that was about five more blocks away, around some corners and things. it was awful. Anyway, all that being said, Salt Lake's view of night life is about the same as Springville's. Turn the city off at seven no matter what day it is. The coroprate stores can stay open, like Mc. Donalds and things. Except in Salt Lake there are more bars. So i suppose if that is what people mean by night-life, then yes, Slat lake does have a few more bars than Provo, but at least provo keeps all our awesome shops and boutiques and clothing stores that aren't in some sort of mall open till at least nine, usually ten on Saturday. Even flower shops and this Italian restaraunt, market, and gelato store owned by these Mormon Italian Imports is open till nine. Sheesh. So shut up Salt Lake. You have more bars, but on Cultural night life, you lag.

--Provo Closes Down on Sunday. SLC is The Pace to Go: WRONG! Like I said, I went to Salt Lake on Sunday to get Hannah, and Erika and I went up early so we could walk around Salt Lake. Pointless. Bakeries were closed cause Sunday, which is okay, sunday isn't for shopping. The Library closed at five. As we drove around looking for someplace to go, very few places we saw were open. so we thought "We'll go to the Gateway" cause you know, shopping mall, it's gotta be open. True, to an extent. They closed down at six. Even the Barnes and Noble there, which in Orem closes down at nine closes at seven in the Gateway. JEEZ! I was exceeding frustrated. Granted, Provo Does shut down on Sunday too, don't get me wrong. I tried six different gas stations in Provo to pay with cash at, and none of them were open. The only places open are Rite Aid and Smiths, cause they both have 24 hour Pharmacies. They are even open on Christmas. But Salt Lake is not any better. don't kid yourself Salt Lake, just cause you have more tattoos and pride yourself on your counter-LDS culture, you're still in it. Everywhere else is just as counter LDS, and they don't even have to try to be, yet they succeed more, cause things actually stay open past seven. So... either move to Madison or buck up and realize that the U of U was still founded by Brigham Young.
Salt Lake is beautiful. But come on Salt Lake, come off yourself. Thank you readership. And for once, visit my links. OH! And also, I have a poll at the bottom of my page, please take it, yeah? it's a nony mouse.


Anonymous said...

It's "onomotopoea". Where were you raised--a barn or something?

(from the word freak)

Anonymous said...

o.k.... it's ACTUALLY "onomatopoeia". Moo.