Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Keep the sickies away

A friend of mine was worried about getting sick before a singing audition. I gave her some sage advice, Albeit too late for her audition, but not too late to be universally applicable and helpful to you. here is what I said:

  I know it's too late, but for future reference, a great trick to keep the sickies away is to find an old monkey wrench and soak it in warm water, then when you go to sleep let it rest on your neck. The old, outer layers of the metal will soak in to your skin and help boost your sick-fighting powers. then the next morning, Put the Monkey Wrench it a cup of water and let it sit and soak, then take a hot shower with four planters pots full of wither Geraniums or Gerber Daisies (either will do). As the hot water hits them, it will open up their aromatic pores and then the steam will transfer their healing powers right into your nasal passages and also straight into your skin. Following the shower, they say you'd be wise to call up someone who you don't talk to anymore but wrote their number in your high-school yearbook, ask that person what they do to cure sicknesses, and they will tell you the right thing to do. After you get the advice, follow it to the letter. Then you should switch your socks and wear wool ones instead (it insulates your body, keeping it warm and ready to protect itself against sickies. Wear a raincoat made out of a garbage bag everywhere you go, especially outside. this will not only insulate your body and keep it warm, but it will protect you from any surprise rain attacks that could leave you with the chills (a condition conducive to getting sick) and it also protects against unwanted birdy doo. That stuff contains germs that are bad. Now, take the monkey wrench water from earlier that morning and take the wrench out, give it away to your neighbor who is working on a car (Karma always comes around in he healing process) and then drink the water that it was bathing in. Any metal that was un-used in the absorption on your neck the night before will now be ingested and you will have the full power of the monkey wrench harnessed in your healing efforts. Finally, Get on Facebook or and thank me for this wonderful, sage advice. If you follow these steps precisely, you WILL NOT get sick. And you can't say it doesn't work unless you've tried it!

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