Never going to fake another day.

I need to learn to let go of things. Maybe I am just too slow emotionally. I have had a good many blogs on this topic, so I won't delve into that stuff here. I just feel like I am the slowest person in the world to be able to move on. and it hurts. I feel like I am running in one direction (be it the right or wrong, i don't think it matters, or if there even is a right or wrong direction in life) but i feel like i am running, but my heart is stuck in one place. And as it is stuck, it is slowing the rest of me down. Sometimes even pulling me back. I can't wait to go on a mission because I get to completely forget about EVERYTHING outside of the Fresno area and just focus on the Lord, who is far better to focus on than anyone or anything else. Sometimes, I really get turned on by that idea, but others, like now, for instance, I find myself not wanting to let go, not wanting to forget. I suppose that is why I keep so many things from my past, I bound up everything I have ever written (except essays and things) since I was in 5th grade. It fills 6 volumes. And I can't let go of it. I guess it's because I treasure the past, and those memories are my only way to travel back to re-visit them. I try to re-visit them all again, but it never does justice. I feel heart-sick. I have never used that word before, but it was the one that came to my mind. I am heartsick and immature. I mean, intellectually, I'd say I'm rather mature, definitely. But emotionally, I think I have a huge way to go. I mean, I understand my emotions, but I am not mature enough to let go of them. I know I can, it's not that I don't have the ability to let go, it's just that I choose not to. I feel safer with those memories, regardless of how painful they may be to remember.

I always feel like I am heading in the wrong direction, no matter which way I am going. So I change direction in my life, and I feel like I am heading the wrong direction again, and want to go back to how I was before. But of course I never can. And really, I shouldn't want to. People who can talk about how openly they love and mean it. people who can speak about it with the highest amount of truth and happiness, completely blow my mind. I respect them so much. I have only know a few in my life, but I have learned so much from them. They are not afraid to love. They are not afraid to open the deepest parts of themselves up to anyone and everyone, despite the heartache and immense pain it may perhaps momentarily bring. They live life with so much enthusiasm. I want to be like that some day. I don't want to be a curmudgeon. I don't want to be an overly sarcastic person who hides their feelings away from everyone except those who they really trust. I mean, I will always be sarcastic, and I will always be more open with those I know. But I don't want to take it to an extreme. I want people to see how happy I am about life. I want people to be able to see a picture of me smiling and then smile themselves because they can see how true that smile actually is. I never want to emotionally fake my way through another day of my life. Ever. I want to be honest and happy. I want to let go and not be afraid to tell people what I feel. Tell people how much they have impacted me. Not be afraid to sound silly for saying things. Not let rejection of my open-ness close me off to the world again. I don't want to live inside my head. I want to live inside the world. I want to live with the world. I want to LOVE. I want to be truly happy. I want to feel complete happiness at least once a day. I am tired of living afraid, you know? I'm sick of it. I am tired of staying up all night, literally, thinking about past decisions, whether they were right or not, or how they affected people, or how they could have gone differently, or how I can re-live them, or how to feel what I felt again. I have felt what I felt, And i will feel it all again. But only if I live in the now. Only if i stop living through my past. I can never feel anything new if my heart is stuck in one place, because then, when it finally springs back to me, it will speed past all the emotions I could have had between where it was stuck and where I am now.

No decision in life is a bad decision. I don't mean that in a religious sense, or in a legal sense, because obviously... but I mean that in the sense that every decision I have made has been right. And if I hadn't made that specific decision, but had in fact gone a different way, that also would have been right. I learn from people I interact with. I will always be me. No-one can ever ever change that. And I will learn what I need to learn no matter what I do or where I go. If I am supposed to learn a lesson, I will learn it through someone, wherever I am in my life. And I need to realize that there are lots more people in my life I need to learn from. Lots more people that need to learn from me, and there is lots more world to love and to open up to.

It's an easy thing to say, though, or to write, rather. Writing has always been my main way of communicating my emotions. It's when I'm actually in real life that this philosophy actually comes into practice. I cannot just let myself get on a momentary emotional high, and then go to sleep and forget about it when I wake up.

I miss people., I really really do. And that isn't a bad thing. I loved those people. but I also love people now, and I cannot neglect those I love now for people who have, more-or-less left my life. I hate the term, even the idea or leaving someones life. It makes me heart-sick. The idea that someone I get to know so well can suddenly be gone, and I will never have anything to do with them again really hurts. And i think that will always hurt me because deep down I have always had a deep love for people, somewhere inside me it is there, strong. I just cannot express it in any way. Which is why I think it manifests itself so powerfully now, because I never gave myself a chance to show my love for those people I loved when they were in my life. So I have to lament their loss and remember all my love for them after they are gone, instead of showing it to them throughout my life. I don't regret having done anything I have done. I have grown from all of it. I do, however, regret how I have acted while doing those things. And that, along with showing my love openly, all the time, is what I plan to change.

I knew someone once. That's such a sad phrase, to say I knew someone once. They are now gone from my life I sadly admit. But I knew this person and when this person smiled, and actually meant it (which was 99% of the time) it just glowed. Their eyes were so pure and radiated such extreme happiness, love and Honesty. Most importantly and noticeably, honesty. Their smile just kept going and going. And I can't even think about it without smiling myself. I want to be like that person. I regret losing them from my life, but I have learned so much from them, and I knew them a relatively short amount of time. There have been a few people like this in my life, not many, but a few. And most of them I have gotten the privilege of getting to know very well. Which is why I know I want to be like them so much. It is because I have seen how happy they are and they have tried to help me be that way too. I never took the opportunity to do so when they were there helping me, but I know now that it is because I wasn't supposed to do it then. I know now that this is a lesson i needed to learn through personal pain and sorrow and by those others example, but not under their tutelage.

Like I said earlier, I just want to be that person whose smile and eyes emanate happiness, love and honesty, and who, when people think of me, they smile. So help me out. I love you.

The Compilation

So it hit me today, about an hour ago, as I was reading in Mormon, the first couple of chapters, that it is so frustrating how little of all that is out there that we actually have. I was confused by it as well, and luckily for me, my dad, who is really smart about this kind of stuff, was in his chair right by me (I was laying on the couch) and so I asked him and we talked about it, and it took us quite a while to find even a partial answer. Why do we have so little of the records that were made? I mean, there are the large plates of Nephi, which contain all the records of wars and kings and things of that nature, and then the small plates of Nephi, which contain the spiritual things. But there are still the brass plates, which were records made long before Nephi was around. And then the book of Lehi. But also all the records of the lost tribes of Israel, which Jesus said he also visited. And there are records of the Jaredites. And we have so, SO little of it.

I was trying to figure out what was contained in the Gold Plates. I explained it to my dad this way: So Nephi wrote two records, the Large and the Small Plates of Nephi. The small plates containing a spiritual record of the people, and the Large plates containing a physical record of the people. Thier kings and wars and stuff. Do the Gold Plates contain both records, and the large plates, which aren't included in the Book of Mormon, were they just the sealed part that Joseph Smith couldn't access? or was the sealed part of the Gold Plates simply more of the small plates we aren't allowed to see. My dad thought maybe some of the sealed portions contained Nephi's visions that he had, but wasn't allowed to write. But we were not sure. I had no idea what was going on. There was also the book of Lehi. Was that contained in the Gold Plates as well, or was the only part of the book of Lehi that was in the Gold Plates the Mormon's abridgemt of the book of Lehi. (The abridgement of the Book of Lehi that Mormon made was the manuscript that was lost.) Did the sealed portion of the Gold Plates contain the original book of Lehi as well, or does that only exsist seperatley somewhere? The more we thought about it, the more it stood to reason that the Large plates of Nephi were a seperate record, and the only part of them that existed in the Gold Plates was the abridgement of the Large Plates that Mormon did (Mosiah - 4 Nephi)... I was lost. And frankly, a little frustrated at how little information we have. not about the compilation of the plates, but because out of all the vast ammounts of information there is out there, we have such a tiny, tiny fraction of it.

My Dad and I did some sleuthing on the internet and found out from the Lightplanet.com/somestuff that "Joseph Smith was commanded not to translate the sealed vision of the Brother of Jared, which apparently made up a substantial portion of the gold plates (Ludlow, p. 320). Although Joseph Smith translated only from the gold plates, he and his associates saw many other records (JD 19:38; Millennial Star 40 [1878]:771-72)." So!!! i found out that there were lots more plates Jooseph Smith saw, that he Couldn't Translate! It frustrated me so SO much.

My dad and I also talked about what was in the hill along with the gold plates. if the brass plates were there, which I believe i heard they were, along with the sword of Laban. and I guess now we know there were lots of plates there.

This is so frustrating because we have so little of what is out there. Although, I know it is the right thing to have happen because what we have is the most important to us, right now. And all the prophets have seen that, and I trust them. It's just... when will the new records come forth? during the Millenium? when Christ is ruling? If that's the case, why? we will be completely happy and righteous and so what will we have to learn from the new records? we could just ask Jesus, he'll be right there. I dunno. I know I need to focus less on this and more on what is actually in what we have. It was just such a strong urge i felt to recieve that extra revelation.

there are, in existence:
-Small plates of Nephi -- recieved
-Large plates of Nephi -- abridged
-Book of Lehi --abridged and lost
-Brass plates --abridged
-visions of the Brother of Jared -- sealed in Gold plates
-Records of the Jaredites (Plates of Ether) -- not recieved
-Records of other Lost Tribes -- Not Recieved
-visions of Nephi --not recieved / sealed
-other, un-known records --not recieved
-records of Zenos and Zenock --abridged

So really, we have so very, very little. I just want to read it all, but i really should just focus on what we have. In case anyone is interested, there is a link to a very good article about the contents of the Book of Mormon and the plates here: http://www.lightplanet.com/mormons/book_of_mormon/plates.html

and here is an image from the aforlinked site.



Anyway, thank you for reading. please comment. Discussion is welcomed.

...a life I never really lived.

Today I had another one of those horrendously awful / surreally wonderful days which was full of melancholy and remorse, brought about by a sudden bout of nostalgia and reminiscence. I hate it when that happens because I cannot focus on anything else. The whole day I am eternally stuck in the past, reliving moments, and wishing things had gone differently. Or foolishly hoping there is something I can do to fix whatever I may have done, or get back the emotions I had at whatever time, or struggling to find some way to re-live these certain events or periods in my life. But it is also a beautiful time because I get to truly peer at myself in the past and deeply analyze why I did things, and what has come from those decisions. Be it good or bad, or whatever I may term "good" or "bad" at this point. I get to see that I am stuck with the decisions I made, no matter how much they may hurt me, no matter how much I may regret some, or wish some had never happened. Or despite how much I may have hurt other people, I am stuck living with what I made.

It is at this point when I try to think of things I can do to re-connect myself with my past and get the emotions I had been remembering back at their full. It's like Heroine, I guess. People say that it is never as strong as the first time you take it, but people are so addicted to it anyway that they keep trying, knowing, somewhere inside of them, that it won't be as good. But they try anyway. I'm like that with emotions. I'm addicted to emotions, I'm an emotion junkie (if not emotional massochist) and I do whatever I can to feel strong emotions. And when I do, I remember them. And then, on days like today, I go back to them I try to get as high by remembering them as I did the first time when I actually lived them. The weird thing is though, for me, the times I get the highest are when I do remember them. The remembering is always the highest. I never feel very strongly about emotions until they are already in the past. I live emotionally in the past, no matter how hard I try. So day-to-day, I live almost numb, I mean, I feel things, it's just... you know. And then, when an important or emotionally strong event happens, I live through it, and feel the emotion very muted at the time. Like i'm living everything through seven layers of Kleenex. Then months, even years later the emotions reverberate and I feel them at their fullest. At which point I go on and dwell with them all day, living with them, loving them, embracing them, because the old emotions are all I have of a life I never really lived.

Also, Mission Update, for anyone who was keeping track (which is, I think, four people, all of which already know...) I was supposed to leave last Wednesday, the tenth of June, but my surgery happened the day before that, Tuesday the ninth. And then my throat-tube surgery is the nineteenth, so I couldn't go in until both of those were over. And it turns out that the missionaries go into Fresno in 6 week increments, so I have to wait until July twenty second to go in... poo. It's harder now to get as excited about it. I was all pumped up and ready to go, but now my excitement has deflated and my energy has dropped. I need to find things to occupy my time. Luckily, I have had no desire to go back to school or do any theatre productions at all these past couple of weeks... which is very odd for me, seeing as those are the two things I really need to do to feel fulfilled. The two things that i can actually feel at a full emotional level. Theatre sends me emotion through an amp set to 11. So it's very strange i have no desire to do it... but it's a blessing. Now it won't be a problem, getting caught up in school, or some productions or something and then not go, or have it be harder for me to go. Anyways, thanks, you guys, for reading.

And also, please comment on the post below. I know people read it, but no-one said anything... why?

I Heart:

Please Watch This Video, or listen to the video, as you read this. It's a beautiful video, taken from Heima: a film by Sigur Ros. It's a song called Vaka, and they are playing it acoustically, in the middle of a plain in Iceland.

I HEART:

Aesthetics

Music

Love

The Rain

Late Night Drives by Myself to Nowhere

Frost on the Ground

Sigur Ros

Old, Rusty Farm Equipment

Black and White Pictures

Intellectual Discussions

Summer Nights with the Windows Open

The Mountains

High-Contrast Pictures

The Smell of Rain

Soft Music

Being Lonely

Being Together

Running Through Fields in the Rain

The Smell Of Laundry Detergent

Memories

Laying in the Grass at Night

Saying My Mind

Learning About People

Discovering What I Love

Seeing My Breath

Naked Trees

Old, Grainy Photographs

Silence in the Morning Outside

Cherry Blossoms

Closing My Eyes

Wanting Something So Much I Can Actually Feel It

Melancholy

Moss Growing On Trees

Cracked Statuettes

Longing

The Idea of Watching Childrens Movies as Adults

Bicycling in the Rain

Holding Hands

Honesty

Beauty

Remembering

The Video Heima

Making Others Feel

Rusty Metal

The Idea of Romantic Poetry

Old, Broken Houses

Abandoned Places

Thinking

The Water

Growth

The Smell Of Asphalt Right After Rain

State Street in Madison

Candles

The Ocean

White

Old Trains

Train Tracks

Creating

Feeling

Being Sad

Cloudy Skies

Looking at the Fallen Leaves as They Rest in a Puddle on the Ground

Wood

The Silhouettes of Trees Against The Sunset

Needing A Blanket

Missing Old Friends

Remembering Old Friends and Hurting