...a life I never really lived.

Today I had another one of those horrendously awful / surreally wonderful days which was full of melancholy and remorse, brought about by a sudden bout of nostalgia and reminiscence. I hate it when that happens because I cannot focus on anything else. The whole day I am eternally stuck in the past, reliving moments, and wishing things had gone differently. Or foolishly hoping there is something I can do to fix whatever I may have done, or get back the emotions I had at whatever time, or struggling to find some way to re-live these certain events or periods in my life. But it is also a beautiful time because I get to truly peer at myself in the past and deeply analyze why I did things, and what has come from those decisions. Be it good or bad, or whatever I may term "good" or "bad" at this point. I get to see that I am stuck with the decisions I made, no matter how much they may hurt me, no matter how much I may regret some, or wish some had never happened. Or despite how much I may have hurt other people, I am stuck living with what I made.

It is at this point when I try to think of things I can do to re-connect myself with my past and get the emotions I had been remembering back at their full. It's like Heroine, I guess. People say that it is never as strong as the first time you take it, but people are so addicted to it anyway that they keep trying, knowing, somewhere inside of them, that it won't be as good. But they try anyway. I'm like that with emotions. I'm addicted to emotions, I'm an emotion junkie (if not emotional massochist) and I do whatever I can to feel strong emotions. And when I do, I remember them. And then, on days like today, I go back to them I try to get as high by remembering them as I did the first time when I actually lived them. The weird thing is though, for me, the times I get the highest are when I do remember them. The remembering is always the highest. I never feel very strongly about emotions until they are already in the past. I live emotionally in the past, no matter how hard I try. So day-to-day, I live almost numb, I mean, I feel things, it's just... you know. And then, when an important or emotionally strong event happens, I live through it, and feel the emotion very muted at the time. Like i'm living everything through seven layers of Kleenex. Then months, even years later the emotions reverberate and I feel them at their fullest. At which point I go on and dwell with them all day, living with them, loving them, embracing them, because the old emotions are all I have of a life I never really lived.

Also, Mission Update, for anyone who was keeping track (which is, I think, four people, all of which already know...) I was supposed to leave last Wednesday, the tenth of June, but my surgery happened the day before that, Tuesday the ninth. And then my throat-tube surgery is the nineteenth, so I couldn't go in until both of those were over. And it turns out that the missionaries go into Fresno in 6 week increments, so I have to wait until July twenty second to go in... poo. It's harder now to get as excited about it. I was all pumped up and ready to go, but now my excitement has deflated and my energy has dropped. I need to find things to occupy my time. Luckily, I have had no desire to go back to school or do any theatre productions at all these past couple of weeks... which is very odd for me, seeing as those are the two things I really need to do to feel fulfilled. The two things that i can actually feel at a full emotional level. Theatre sends me emotion through an amp set to 11. So it's very strange i have no desire to do it... but it's a blessing. Now it won't be a problem, getting caught up in school, or some productions or something and then not go, or have it be harder for me to go. Anyways, thanks, you guys, for reading.

And also, please comment on the post below. I know people read it, but no-one said anything... why?

I Heart:

Please Watch This Video, or listen to the video, as you read this. It's a beautiful video, taken from Heima: a film by Sigur Ros. It's a song called Vaka, and they are playing it acoustically, in the middle of a plain in Iceland.

I HEART:

Aesthetics

Music

Love

The Rain

Late Night Drives by Myself to Nowhere

Frost on the Ground

Sigur Ros

Old, Rusty Farm Equipment

Black and White Pictures

Intellectual Discussions

Summer Nights with the Windows Open

The Mountains

High-Contrast Pictures

The Smell of Rain

Soft Music

Being Lonely

Being Together

Running Through Fields in the Rain

The Smell Of Laundry Detergent

Memories

Laying in the Grass at Night

Saying My Mind

Learning About People

Discovering What I Love

Seeing My Breath

Naked Trees

Old, Grainy Photographs

Silence in the Morning Outside

Cherry Blossoms

Closing My Eyes

Wanting Something So Much I Can Actually Feel It

Melancholy

Moss Growing On Trees

Cracked Statuettes

Longing

The Idea of Watching Childrens Movies as Adults

Bicycling in the Rain

Holding Hands

Honesty

Beauty

Remembering

The Video Heima

Making Others Feel

Rusty Metal

The Idea of Romantic Poetry

Old, Broken Houses

Abandoned Places

Thinking

The Water

Growth

The Smell Of Asphalt Right After Rain

State Street in Madison

Candles

The Ocean

White

Old Trains

Train Tracks

Creating

Feeling

Being Sad

Cloudy Skies

Looking at the Fallen Leaves as They Rest in a Puddle on the Ground

Wood

The Silhouettes of Trees Against The Sunset

Needing A Blanket

Missing Old Friends

Remembering Old Friends and Hurting