Never going to fake another day.

I need to learn to let go of things. Maybe I am just too slow emotionally. I have had a good many blogs on this topic, so I won't delve into that stuff here. I just feel like I am the slowest person in the world to be able to move on. and it hurts. I feel like I am running in one direction (be it the right or wrong, i don't think it matters, or if there even is a right or wrong direction in life) but i feel like i am running, but my heart is stuck in one place. And as it is stuck, it is slowing the rest of me down. Sometimes even pulling me back. I can't wait to go on a mission because I get to completely forget about EVERYTHING outside of the Fresno area and just focus on the Lord, who is far better to focus on than anyone or anything else. Sometimes, I really get turned on by that idea, but others, like now, for instance, I find myself not wanting to let go, not wanting to forget. I suppose that is why I keep so many things from my past, I bound up everything I have ever written (except essays and things) since I was in 5th grade. It fills 6 volumes. And I can't let go of it. I guess it's because I treasure the past, and those memories are my only way to travel back to re-visit them. I try to re-visit them all again, but it never does justice. I feel heart-sick. I have never used that word before, but it was the one that came to my mind. I am heartsick and immature. I mean, intellectually, I'd say I'm rather mature, definitely. But emotionally, I think I have a huge way to go. I mean, I understand my emotions, but I am not mature enough to let go of them. I know I can, it's not that I don't have the ability to let go, it's just that I choose not to. I feel safer with those memories, regardless of how painful they may be to remember.

I always feel like I am heading in the wrong direction, no matter which way I am going. So I change direction in my life, and I feel like I am heading the wrong direction again, and want to go back to how I was before. But of course I never can. And really, I shouldn't want to. People who can talk about how openly they love and mean it. people who can speak about it with the highest amount of truth and happiness, completely blow my mind. I respect them so much. I have only know a few in my life, but I have learned so much from them. They are not afraid to love. They are not afraid to open the deepest parts of themselves up to anyone and everyone, despite the heartache and immense pain it may perhaps momentarily bring. They live life with so much enthusiasm. I want to be like that some day. I don't want to be a curmudgeon. I don't want to be an overly sarcastic person who hides their feelings away from everyone except those who they really trust. I mean, I will always be sarcastic, and I will always be more open with those I know. But I don't want to take it to an extreme. I want people to see how happy I am about life. I want people to be able to see a picture of me smiling and then smile themselves because they can see how true that smile actually is. I never want to emotionally fake my way through another day of my life. Ever. I want to be honest and happy. I want to let go and not be afraid to tell people what I feel. Tell people how much they have impacted me. Not be afraid to sound silly for saying things. Not let rejection of my open-ness close me off to the world again. I don't want to live inside my head. I want to live inside the world. I want to live with the world. I want to LOVE. I want to be truly happy. I want to feel complete happiness at least once a day. I am tired of living afraid, you know? I'm sick of it. I am tired of staying up all night, literally, thinking about past decisions, whether they were right or not, or how they affected people, or how they could have gone differently, or how I can re-live them, or how to feel what I felt again. I have felt what I felt, And i will feel it all again. But only if I live in the now. Only if i stop living through my past. I can never feel anything new if my heart is stuck in one place, because then, when it finally springs back to me, it will speed past all the emotions I could have had between where it was stuck and where I am now.

No decision in life is a bad decision. I don't mean that in a religious sense, or in a legal sense, because obviously... but I mean that in the sense that every decision I have made has been right. And if I hadn't made that specific decision, but had in fact gone a different way, that also would have been right. I learn from people I interact with. I will always be me. No-one can ever ever change that. And I will learn what I need to learn no matter what I do or where I go. If I am supposed to learn a lesson, I will learn it through someone, wherever I am in my life. And I need to realize that there are lots more people in my life I need to learn from. Lots more people that need to learn from me, and there is lots more world to love and to open up to.

It's an easy thing to say, though, or to write, rather. Writing has always been my main way of communicating my emotions. It's when I'm actually in real life that this philosophy actually comes into practice. I cannot just let myself get on a momentary emotional high, and then go to sleep and forget about it when I wake up.

I miss people., I really really do. And that isn't a bad thing. I loved those people. but I also love people now, and I cannot neglect those I love now for people who have, more-or-less left my life. I hate the term, even the idea or leaving someones life. It makes me heart-sick. The idea that someone I get to know so well can suddenly be gone, and I will never have anything to do with them again really hurts. And i think that will always hurt me because deep down I have always had a deep love for people, somewhere inside me it is there, strong. I just cannot express it in any way. Which is why I think it manifests itself so powerfully now, because I never gave myself a chance to show my love for those people I loved when they were in my life. So I have to lament their loss and remember all my love for them after they are gone, instead of showing it to them throughout my life. I don't regret having done anything I have done. I have grown from all of it. I do, however, regret how I have acted while doing those things. And that, along with showing my love openly, all the time, is what I plan to change.

I knew someone once. That's such a sad phrase, to say I knew someone once. They are now gone from my life I sadly admit. But I knew this person and when this person smiled, and actually meant it (which was 99% of the time) it just glowed. Their eyes were so pure and radiated such extreme happiness, love and Honesty. Most importantly and noticeably, honesty. Their smile just kept going and going. And I can't even think about it without smiling myself. I want to be like that person. I regret losing them from my life, but I have learned so much from them, and I knew them a relatively short amount of time. There have been a few people like this in my life, not many, but a few. And most of them I have gotten the privilege of getting to know very well. Which is why I know I want to be like them so much. It is because I have seen how happy they are and they have tried to help me be that way too. I never took the opportunity to do so when they were there helping me, but I know now that it is because I wasn't supposed to do it then. I know now that this is a lesson i needed to learn through personal pain and sorrow and by those others example, but not under their tutelage.

Like I said earlier, I just want to be that person whose smile and eyes emanate happiness, love and honesty, and who, when people think of me, they smile. So help me out. I love you.

New Post

So Monday, I started writing a post that detailed the events of The 81st Oscars. Blueh. Boring. I never finished. Basically I talked about how sexy the host Hugh Jackman was, a posted a link to THIS PICTURE and how he was Australian and how the other sexy Australian actor Russel Crowe apparently wasn't sexy anymore. Then I posted a link to THIS PICTURE in regard to russel crowe. It was supposed to be funny. it wasn't. Then i went on very long-windedly about the oscar nominees and winners and some such. basically the highlights of that were... um... I talked about how Penelope Cruz wasn't written off of 30 rock before her Oscar Nomination, which is good because Amy Adams was written off The Office a week before her Oscar Nomination last year and the The Office folks felt like sheep. SO: there is a huge blog condensed and highlighted in a paragraph. if anyone who didn't see the Oscars actually cares about the Oscars, there is infinitely better coverage ANYWHERE ELSE online. So go anywhere else.

The much more elegant, enlightened, thoughtful topic I want to talk about now is how weird I feel in the handicapped Bathroom stall. I went in one of those today, that what got me thinking. Every time I use one of them, I always wonder "what if a handicapped man actually needed to use the restroom while I was in it? He would think I was Politically incorrect. Or that I had no respect for his situation" He'd get pissed. When I'm in the stall, enjoyaing all the luxuries and open space, I always think about what i would say if I walked out of the stall and there was a man in a wheelchair just sitting and waiting, staring up at me with one of those faces. You know the ones! I also always imagined him tapping his foot, but that's probably unrealistic. I also always thingk he's gonna like, punch me, or beat me up, or axe me. But really, I obsess over it the whole time. It almost makes me want to use a differnt stall, and on occasion it has, but for the most part, if i see an open, large, luxurious, handicapped stall, I use it. With the other stalls, I feel so cramped (no pun intended) and also my knees hit both walls. I also feel like if there si some sort of disaster or some deranged post office worker comes with a gun, I will have a much lower chance of escaping if I'm in a cramped stall. I don't know why, but you can't honestly tell me you've never thought the same thing.
But anyway, I get out of the stall and the upset handicapped man is staring at me, tapping his foot or some such, and he says "So..." and I say " um, I'm sorry, I never thought I would actually meet you" and then he says "why not? there are plenty of us around"
ME: No! thats not it, I just...
HIM: you think they make those stall just so people like you can use them without hitting both your knees on the walls?
ME: no, sir, i just-
HIM: or maybe you think that we can fit just fine in the other stalls, hmm?
ME: well, no.. it's just, all the other stalls were full...

This would probably be my first excuse. But in actuality, it's a weak one, because odds are, the stalls weren't all full, and odds are he came in and saw that and knew full well they weren't full. And odds are that if I start off telling a lie, then he will never trust me.

HIM: No they weren't full. I came in just now and saw you shut the door-
ME: well, not full per-sey, but I feel weird sitting in a stall next to someone...
HIM: There was no-one else in here.

This would also probably be true because I spend most of my time in obscure parts of the
Gunther Trades building at night during rehearsals, so there probably would be no-one else there... including that stupid handicapped man (not stupid because he's handicapped, but just.. you know!)

ME: well, I mean, it's just really roomy in there, you know?
HIM: No, I don't, I spend all the extra room in there getting out of my wheelchair *cough* and taking off my leg braces *wheeze* and then remembering my dead puppy
ME:...oh, oops.
HIM: oops won't cut it buddy, I'm gonna axe you so good.
ME: oh... ummm... *runs away*

At this point I realize I can just run away and he can't catch me because he is in a wheelchair and he needs to go to the bathroom.